And So Begins My New Life

My Old Boss Is Still Pissing Me Off

2012-01-17T00:48:00.001-05:00

Despite the fact he longer works with me, my old boss is managing to still piss me off. Today, a couple walked in asking for him. It seems he had given a seminar about preplanning a while back, and they were so impressed they only wanted to make arrangements with him. I tried to help them or see if the owner could help them, but they were bound and determined to only talk to my former boss. So I told them where he was working, and that they could find him there. So they left, and I assumed they went to find my old boss. Later in the day, our courier was at the crematory picking up ashes, and my old boss was gloating about how he wrote two prearrangements at $7,000.00 each because I was unable to "close the deal" when the couple came in.
What pisses me off is that it was not that I was unable to close the deal, it's that there was no deal to begin with. They were absolutely determined to speak only to him, and since he wasn't there, they left.

Happy New Year And Other Stuff

2011-12-31T15:04:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year to all! I hope your 2012 is a vast improvement over 2011! I know my year ended on an upbeat note. I got rid of my boss when he bought his own funeral home, and that was a very nice Christmas present indeed. For anyone who hasn't read through all my posts, my boss and I never exactly got along, but that is no longer an issue.

Business was uncharacteristically slow these past few months. However, it wasn't just us; everyone in town had a slow season. However, we've gotten a few calls these past few days, so things are picking up.

The latest news is that our county is implementing Electronic Death Certificates. This means we will no longer have to print out a paper death certificate and deliver it to the doctor, then wait until it's ready and go pick it up. It will save a lot of running around and gas money. This will go into effect the end of January. In the meantime, we're having to study online tutorials and attend an orientation in a few weeks. I have my reservations about this process, because one of the tasks the funeral director or staff will have to do is take the cause of death information given to us by the doctors and type it into the system ourselves. This worries me, because one wrong term can change the whole meaning of the cause of death. For example, there is a huge difference between hypertension (high blood pressure) and hypotension (low blood pressure). Also, if the doctor does not indicate Natural Cause as the type of death, we have to select Not Stated when we complete the medical portion of the death certificate. How many life insurance companies are going to deny a claim because the certificate does not specify Natural Cause? There are a lot more concerns I have; hopefully I can have my questions answered at orientation.

It's Wonderful

2011-12-04T18:43:00.000-05:00

It's been not quite a month since my boss took over his own place, and it's been wonderful! I don't have to deal with him, we don't make their removals, work their funerals or run their errands. It's been great. I don't have to put up with his snarky attitude or his condescending ways anymore. I am loving it!

Business was awfully slow for October and November, but now I think the pendulum is swinging the other way. We've had several calls already this month, and quite a few of our calls from the last couple of weeks have been full service. That should make the owner happy.

It Is Official!

2011-11-14T18:53:00.000-05:00

Today my boss closed on his funeral home. He purchased our other location after running the place for about two years. After a transition period, I won't have to put up with him or his attitude any more. I really do wish him well, though. I would hate to see him fail and come back to haunt me. In the meantime, there will be some adjustments as he sorts out how he's going to handle his removals, his funerals, his errands, etc.

Monday's The Day

2011-11-12T17:02:00.000-05:00

Monday is supposed to be the day my boss closes on his own firm and is out of my hair. I say "supposedly" because this is about the 4th closing date that's been set. The other 3 have fallen through because of paperwork issues or various other concerns that get it in the way. Still, I'm hopeful that it will happen. There will be a transition period, and I know we'll probably end up making some of his removals or helping out on some funerals, but we'll deal with that as they come up.

It's Official?

2011-11-06T18:49:00.000-05:00

Rumor has it my boss is closing on his own funeral home this week. If true, this means that after a transition period, I will be through with him. My boss and I haven't always gotten along, and there has been tension between us in the past. It has been theorized that he's jealous of me, or feels threatened by me, since the owner and I get along better than the owner and my boss. I'm more like the owner when it comes to work; detail oriented, focusing on how things will get done. My soon to be former boss is a "big picture" kind of guy. He knows where he's going, but kind of muddles his way to his destination, depending on other people to fill in the blanks.
For example, we use a software package to generate our death certificates, transit permits, and other necessary paperwork. When it was announced months ago that he would be buying his own firm, his secretary asked him what software package would they be using? His answer to her was, "We'll figure it out." Well, here we are, days away from his purchase of our other location, and she still doesn't know how she's going to get her paperwork done.
All I can say is, good luck to him, he's going to need it.

Running Out Of Gas

2011-10-02T17:49:00.002-05:00

I see it's been over a month since my last post, and I do apologize. I'm afraid I seem to be running out of material. This blog was started as a record of my transition from retail to funeral directing, and it seems to have filled that purpose. I'm not closing it down or anything, but my posts may not be as frequent as they once were, as you can tell from this 6 week gap.
To bring you up to speed, my boss continues to work toward getting his own place up and running. He's filling out all the paperwork and getting all the necessary inspections and licensing. I would say that by the end of this year he should be fully out on his own. There might be a transition period where we help him out on funerals and with removals, but I'm hoping that will be over by New Year's.
The owner of the funeral home bought a new hearse. He sent in a down payment this week. I'm not sure when we'll take delivery, or how. He said we might have to go to the factory to pick it up. I'll volunteer for a road trip, no problem. A couple of days on the road, with nothing but my tunes for company. It would be like a paid vacation.
On an ironic note, I went on a call the other night. While in the middle of the removal someone's cell phone (not mine, for the record) rings, and the ringtone is "Don't Fear the Reaper."

Wonderful News

2011-08-16T17:27:00.001-05:00

I have the most wonderful news ever! By the end of this year, I will not have to deal with my boss anymore. He's leaving to open up his own firm!

Holy Cow, Are We Busy!

2011-08-02T16:55:00.000-05:00

I absolutely cannot believe how busy we've gotten. July started off terribly slow. A normal July for us is about 20 calls or so. By the middle of July, we had less than a dozen. I think we ended the month at about 18. All but two of those have been full service, meaning embalming, viewing and visitation, funeral service, and then either burial or cremation. As I write this, today is Tuesday, and we are already booked solid through next Monday. Tonight we have a viewing and visitation, followed by a funeral mass tomorrow. Thursday we have two viewing/visitations, followed by two funerals on Friday, a viewing Friday night, and two viewing/visitation and funerals on Saturday. We've kept Sunday clear so far, but on Monday we have another full service viewing/visitation. Thank God I'm on vacation next week. I'm trading my days off this week due to the amount of business. Normally I would be off Friday, but I'm taking tomorrow off instead, since it's the least busiest day this week.

Don't Be Shy, Speak Your Mind

2011-07-25T20:14:00.002-05:00

One of my frustrations at work is that I spend more time being a janitor than I do a funeral director. I empty trash, clean restrooms, dust the offices. I don't mind doing these things, because it has to be done. But I seem to be the only one doing them, and I'm not making many arrangements. I told the owner I would like to start making more complicated arrangements, so last week I had that opportunity. We had a call, there were prearrangements which called for viewing, visitation, and then a funeral in our chapel. So I sat down with the family, went over everything with them as far as information for the death certificate, then concluded with the funeral itself. I asked them when they wanted everything done. I gave them the choice of visitation one day, funeral the next morning, or to have everything all in one day. They liked that idea, so I started asking about times. During this whole process, they kept saying things like, "whatever's convenient for you," or, "whichever you think is best." In short, they were being very accommodating and/or indecisive. So I finally suggested services the very next day, starting an hour before we close, and ending 3 hours later. They agreed and I posted all the information on our status board. My boss, who would be the one who would have to stay late, sees this and point blank says to me, "I don't want to have to stay late for that." Then he proceeds to lecture me on how to schedule a funeral. I admit, I should have tried to schedule everything for normal working hours, but this is where my inexperience worked against me. Still, the nerve of him to flat out admit he didn't want to work when he was supposed to do just got to me. He in fact did not work that night, but forced one of our other directors, who should not have worked, to stay late.

Seriously Short-Handed

2011-06-26T15:11:00.000-05:00

Thanks to a vacation scheduling snafu, both my boss and another director are on vacation until the 4th of July. This leaves our second location without a director, and our primary location short one director. The owner and myself will have to cover everything for the duration. That leaves me answering the phones every day after hours, which I detest. I especially hate those calls from our second location. We use an answering service, and they usually call up and say they have an *URGENT* message. I'll call the number and it's somebody checking to see if mom's been cremated or asking if the death certificates are ready.
Tomorrow will be busy, more so because of the staff shortage. We've got to load a casket into an airtray and have it to the airport by 10am. We've got a 10am funeral mass, followed by the National Cemetery. We've a 1:30 ID view, and a 4pm memorial service. The National Cemetery will take two people; myself and driver for the limo, and we'll be gone from about 9:45 until 2:30 or so, leaving the owner and one other person to get everything done in the afternoon. I'll be glad when the week is over; not that it matters a whole lot because I'll still have the blasted telephones all weekend long.

Replacements And Skydiving

2011-06-15T16:36:00.000-05:00

Our employee has officially retired and moved away. Things just aren't the same around the funeral home with her gone. The new girl is doing well, though, and business has slowed down enough that none of us are being overwhelmed. Our other location has been getting all the calls this week. We've got a visitation tomorrow over there, funeral mass on Friday and then the National Cemetery. We've got a private viewing Friday night, family only, at our primary location, then a memorial service Saturday morning at 11am. Thankfully, this is my weekend off and I don't have to work. Instead, I'll be watching my wife cash in her skydiving gift certificate I bought her last Christmas. She'll be tandem jumping from about 10,000 feet. I bought the video package, so I'll have some video and still photos to document the occasion.

End Of An Era

2011-04-17T19:31:00.002-05:00

First of all, my apologies for the delay in posting. I realize it's been over a month. Things have been pretty hectic, there's a lot going that I won't even begin to mention here, and to top it all off, I found out a couple of weeks ago that our secretary is retiring. Not only is she the glue that holds the firm together, she's become a close friend and I will miss her a lot.
I've been busy this past week training, or trying to train, her replacement. The reason she's not doing it is she's on vacation; she'll be back in a week. So I've had my hands full doing not only all the funeral director/embalmer stuff, but also the administrative stuff, as well. I don't know how this replacement is going to work out. It may be she won't make the cut, then we'll have to start training someone else.
On a side note, I've been kicking around the idea of closing down this blog. I haven't made a decision yet, and one of the things that's stopping me is the idea of somehow getting all these entries backed up or saved offline. I'm not sure what the best way to do that would be. I could copy and paste them into a word processor, but with around 400+ entries, that seems a little daunting. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

I Am So Tired Of The Cow Cookies

2011-03-09T20:46:00.000-05:00

One of my coworkers has scheduling difficulties because of his small children. His wife works late Monday-Wednesday, so he is not available for call until around midnight. So my boss, who is the other man on that rotation, takes those calls. In return, the worker ends up working call almost all of the rest of the time. He complains about it constantly, and when there is visitation Monday-Wednesday evenings, he can't work that, either. As a result, when he is called on to work extra, he grouses and complains that he's always on call and shouldn't have to work extra, with the result being myself or one of the guys on my call rotation ends up working.
Second. Whenever we get a body that's been autopsied, no matter which embalmer is on call that night, my crew ends up staying late to work on it. How is this fair? It happened tonight. The other team is on call, yet myself and another embalmer ended up staying until 7pm to work on it. To make matters worse, my boss, who is supposed to be on call tonight, is out of town at a dinner party and won't be available until later. Since his whiny partner can't cover until midnight, today being a Wednesday, guess who's having to cover calls? I am so tired of doing everyone else's work. My boss mentioned today that we need a priest for a funeral he arranged this morning. Guess who'll probably end up doing that for him, too?

Not Having A Good Week

2011-02-15T17:39:00.002-05:00

We've been busy this week. Two funerals tomorrow, one on Saturday, one funeral being planned tomorrow. And now we've got another call, this one at the medical examiner. Full service, viewing and visitation, maybe burial afterward. One of our directors is out from Thursday to Monday, and I'm supposed to be off Friday. I have a hunch I'll get screwed out of it. There's another service tomorrow night at our other location. I'll probably end up working that one, too.

The End Of The World As We Know It

2011-01-31T19:58:00.000-05:00

And I feel fine. I went to see "Skyline" when it come out a couple of months ago. For those of you who haven't seen it, aliens attack Los Angeles (and presumably the rest of the world). The main characters spend the rest of the movie trying to survive. It got me to thinking. Please don't think I'm longing for alien invasions, human genocide and all that, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if there were an event so grand and epic that it forever altered the course of human history, as contact with another intelligent species would be. And then somedays I just wish I didn't have go to work.

Today Was One Of Those Days

2011-01-17T17:14:00.005-05:00

My boss, as I mentioned in my previous post, says I get under his skin. So, in an effort to avoid this, I talk to him as little as possible. One of the last conversations I had with him concerned our blank pages for our guest register books. I told him we were out and needed more. He told me he would take care of it. That was over a week ago. Today the owner tells me we have someone coming in to purchase a guest book and that he told them they could have their pages printed while they waited. I told him we were out of blank pages. He jumps all over me for letting us run out. I said that I had told the boss, but the owner tells me that's not good enough. I need to stay on top of these things. I told him the boss get irritated when I do things like that, but he said to just do it and let him know if I get any grief from my boss. I swear, I'm danged if I do and danged if I don't.
This really irked me, considering I was already in a bad mood. My boss and the other guy were on duty this weekend. They had a busy time of it, getting 4 or 5 calls, 3 of which were embalmed. So I walk into work this morning to find that both vans are parked at the unloading zone. We normally put the vehicles in a parking place after every call, but apparently they think the rules don't apply to them. I refused to put them away. All three bodies needed suturing and bathing, so we did that, and in the middle of it all we get a death call, which is another embalming case. On the way to the call, we realize we don't have a stretcher because they never put one back in the hearse. So we turn around and go back to the funeral home and grab a stretcher from the other van, get to the house and realize there is no sheet or pillow. The other guy (not my boss) who was on duty complains that no one put the van away. Kiss my backside. I drove by the funeral home Sunday at 3pm and it was out; they had a call later that evening and yet it was still not put away, and it was still parked in the unloading zone this morning. It only takes a minute to park the vehicles, people! In the meantime, we're suturing and bathing 3 bodies, shifting them around, going on calls, doing more embalming, and we're the ones who are supposed to clean up after the other team? I don't think so.

New Years Resolution

2011-01-01T11:37:00.000-05:00

This year I resolve to keep my mouth shut. It seems that every time I talk to my coworkers, I open my big fat mouth and say things that are best left unsaid. For example, I heard something yesterday concerning my boss making all the arrangements for the next week or so. I mentioned this to another director, and now it's all been blown out of proportion. I also found that my boss told this director that I get under his skin. So, in an effort to keep a low profile and stay out of everyone's way, I'm shutting up this year.

Working Christmas Day

2010-12-26T18:38:00.002-05:00

As luck would have it, the on call rotation worked out to where I was on call for Christmas weekend. In all honesty, I didn't mind too much. After our last big weekend, we've been very quiet. My only concern was being called out to someone's house on Christmas Day. That would have sucked.
We wound up with three calls on Christmas Day. One was an assisted living facility. I did not make that removal. It came in at 4am. My shift didn't start until 8am. The second call came in around 3pm. This was a local nursing home. The last call was around 9:30pm. This was a residence, but there was no family in attendance, only neighbors and friends. The son was out of town.
I have not been called out today, but I'm on duty until 8am Monday morning. We'll see what happens overnight. I hope all of you out there had the kind of Holiday you wanted, be it with family and friends or just a quiet weekend to yourself. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

When It Rains

2010-12-12T22:14:00.001-05:00

When things break, they break big. I was commenting in my last post about our lack of business. The other day we got two calls. Both of them are full service burials, and both of them had their visitations on Sunday, both afternoon and evening. One family is very nice, calm and reserved. The other is very high maintenance, demanding and loud. They brought a laundry basket full of photos to display, insisted on getting to use our new hearse, even though they are a local burial, and the other family is going to the National Cemetery. They also wanted their memorial cards laminated, and even though it was explained to them that we are out of laminates right now, they still complained that the cards were not laminated. I am so glad I am taking the other funeral out tomorrow.

What Gives?

2010-12-07T19:20:00.000-05:00

One week into December and we have had no calls at all. We did get one on December 1st, but that was a ship in from another state, and since the person died in November, it's counted as a November call. In the meantime, our other location has had three calls so far. I spent all day yesterday dusting the offices, and all day today cleaning and mopping the bathrooms and kitchen. If we don't get some business soon, I'm not sure what work I can do to keep busy and fill my days.

Sometimes The Job Hits Home

2010-11-16T20:42:00.000-05:00

I'm relieved to report that the family was very pleased with the work I did on their loved one a couple of weeks ago.

I'm very sad to report that my uncle, brother of my late father, passed away this afternoon. We weren't terribly close; he had a tendency to keep people at a distance. Still, I was very sad when I got the news and went into the garage at work to gather myself. I don't know when services will be, or even if I will be able to attend.

Solo Embalming

2010-11-02T16:59:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, I asked the owner when I would be allowed to embalm unsupervised. He informed me that I could go ahead and start, and on Sunday I performed my third solo embalming. The first two I had done some months ago, due to unusual circumstances. My very first one turned out very well, the second one gave me trouble with drainage and distribution, and ended being a six point injection. Sunday my third one went very well. I set the features, raised the vessel, and injected with excellent results. Today the owner reviewed my work and said, aside from making the mouth look a little clenched, I did a good job.

"Strange Things Are Afoot At The Circle K"

2010-10-22T21:29:00.000-05:00

Or, more accurately, the funeral home. First, on Wednesday one of our cars had a flat tire. I put on the spare, then took the flat tire to the garage and left it to be repaired. When I called later that day, I was told there was nothing wrong with the tire, so I grabbed the company credit card and went back to the garage. They put the tire back on and didn't charge the funeral home anything for the work, so I never took the credit card out of my pocket. When I returned to the funeral home, I'm 99% positive I gave the card back to the secretary. The next morning, we wanted to put gas in the old hearse, but we couldn't find the credit card. Turns out it had been used the night before, between 8 and 9pm, at a grocery store, an ATM, and a convenience store. We canceled the account and ordered replacement cards. Thursday I had a service at the National Cemetery. While I was on that service, a florist delivered flowers to the funeral home for that service, which was incorrect. They claimed we told them Thursday, when in fact the actual viewing/visitation had been on Tuesday. The body was cremated on Wednesday, with committal of ashes on Thursday. One of our directors called the florist and told them they needed to pick up the flowers and deliver them to the family's home. They told him that wasn't their problem and hung up on him. Later that day, we noticed the flowers were missing. Did the florist come back after all? We don't know. Then, when discussing the credit card situation, it was decided that rather than leave a key outside, which we used to do so florists could make deliveries when we weren't there, everybody would have their own key and florists could just wait for someone to come let them in. We cut new keys for everyone, then today went to remove the key from the outside storage area, and it was missing. Who knows how long it's been gone. Was it taken the same night as the credit card? Was the credit card even stolen from the funeral home, or did I drop it somewhere? I don't think I did since it was in my shirt pocket, and I never lose anything from there unless I bend way over, like when I pick something up off the ground. Lastly, we had a service Thursday night. The family brought in some photos for me to scan and put together a video. I scanned the photos and put them back in the envelope they came in. Thursday before the service I see that they are gone, and just assumed the family had picked them up at some point. They called this morning asking where they were. We turned the funeral home upside down and inside out and could not find them. I suspect our secretary, who is currently on vacation for two weeks, mistakenly grabbed them up with her stuff and carried them home. We didn't mistakenly throw them away, but just in case, we searched the trash. Those photos are nowhere to be found in the funeral home. So taking all this into account, the owner had all the locks re-keyed. I have my suspicions about the credit card; I think one of the children of one of the staff came in after hours and helped themselves to the card.
Bonus points to those who recognize where the title of this post comes from.

Maturing As A Director

2010-10-15T09:58:00.000-05:00

We had a ship in earlier this week. Everything had been prearranged, all that was needed was to sit down with the family and find out if they wanted flowers, a memorial package, and to collect money for the clergy to perform the funeral. It's a graveside service at the cemetery. My boss (the owner) told me that I could finish that arrangement. They came in yesterday and I got everything worked out. In a way, you could say this was my first burial arrangement, even though I didn't do much. Still, we all have to start somewhere. My boss is out of town, and since he's the embalmer on call for his team, I asked the owner who was going to do any embalmings that may come in. He told me to call him, and then I asked him when I would be allowed to do my own. Whenever I get a call that needs embalming, Returning Employee comes in to do the work. I've been licensed for almost 3 years, and have been learning for 5, and it was decided I can start performing my own embalmings.

Make It Stop

2010-10-03T21:59:00.000-05:00

I've been out on 5 calls today, and I'm tired.
1:30am
9:30am
2:30pm
6:45pm
10:10pm

Of those calls, two were 300lbs each, and they both got embalmed.

Lose What?

2010-09-23T16:32:00.001-05:00

Today I went on a house call. As usual, it happened right at lunchtime, right as my microwave pizza was about to finish cooking. I arrive at the house with another associate, and the family was, shall we say, a little unbalanced? We explained that before we took their loved one, we would let them spend as much time saying goodbye as they wanted. They go into the bedroom to say their farewells, so we go to the coach to get the stretcher. When we come back in the house, the hospice worker ushers them out of the bedroom so we can make the removal. I had decided to just pick up the body and carry it into the living room, as there was not a way to maneuver the stretcher into the bedroom. As we are wrapping the body in a bedsheet, the daughter comes running back into the bedroom to say even more farewells. The hospice worker gently ushers her back into the other room, and my coworker and I get the body up and into the living room and onto a stretcher. Again, the daughter spends a few more moments saying goodbye, and then asks this question, "Do I need to sign a receipt or anything in case you lose the body?" I told her no, and we got out of there as quickly as possible before any more unusual questions were asked of us.

I May Need Oven Mitts

2010-08-25T16:38:00.004-05:00

...if I have to keep pulling my boss's backside out of the fire. We had a funeral yesterday at our new location. Visitation was from 8-8:30am, with mass at a nearby church at 9am, then burial at the National Cemetery. Since visitation was so early, we got the body ready Monday afternoon and took it over to the new location. Tuesday morning we bring the hearse and limo over from the original location. We're waiting until it's time to go to church, so I ask my boss if he put out an American flag. He says, "good question" and goes into the chapel to see if there is a flag. No, there is not, so we quickly folded one and put it in the hearse. Had I not said anything, we would have arrived at the National Cemetery with no flag for the honor guard to fold and present to the family. In another story, my boss spoke to a family a few weeks ago. They wanted to send their loved one up north when the time came, for burial in the Jewish section of the cemetery. My boss was supposed to check on all the burial requirements, but when we got the call and I asked for permission to embalm, the family was hesitant because they weren't sure if burial of embalmed bodies was allowed in the Jewish section, and that my boss was supposed to have checked on that for them. Turns out he did not check up on anything, and the metal casket he sold the family was unacceptable; we had to switch caskets and put the body in an orthodox Jewish casket. This is a casket that is manufactured of wood, containing absolutely no metal or animal products or by-products.

I'm Still Here

2010-08-14T20:16:00.004-05:00

There hasn't been too much to write about concerning work, at least not without coming across as negative. I had a very busy Friday a couple of weeks ago while both my boss and our secretary were on vacation, but I got through it. This weekend I'm off, and I'm glad of that because we have two visitations on Sunday; one at our original location and one at our new acquisition. Both funerals are Monday morning. One is going to a local cemetery, the other to the National Cemetery. There are limos for both, and my boss neglected to check if our limo was available before he booked it for his family. He wound up borrowing a limo from another funeral home. Hopefully the driver will be included, as we will be stretched thin enough without having to provide another driver.
The calls keep coming in. We're on a pace to possibly reach 300 calls this year. If we get 25 calls a month for the rest of the year we'll hit it. I heard that the last time we had 300 calls the owner was passing out bonuses like crazy. I wouldn't mind getting some of that action.
I've also been busy learning how to edit videos on the computer. The owner came back from vacation with some videos, and asked me to put them on dvd. I have no experience at all working with videos, and to make matters worse, he had two different cameras that recorded in two different formats. One was a high-def Sony camera, the other recorded in Quicktime format. I finally got them burned onto dvd; now he will want to edit it and such before he makes copies for his friends. Joy.

Job Insecurities And The New Guy

2010-08-02T17:58:00.003-05:00

Lately I've been wondering where I stand at work. We hired a director, an experienced man, originally to help out at our new location. However, the owner has decided to keep him at the original location and let my boss cover the new location, which suits me fine, by the way. However, since he has been hired, I have made arrangements with only one or two families. Sometimes I wonder what the owner thinks when he goes through the monthly files and sees that I've met with hardly anyone. Ever since the new guy came on board, I've felt more like a secretary than a funeral director. To be honest, I don't really mind, as meeting with families is not something I particularly like doing. However, I wonder if one day the owner is going to decide I'm an overpaid administrative assistant and either cut my pay or let me go. Seriously, I doubt that would ever happen. I know for a fact I'm in good standing, but still....

Almost A Nightmare

2010-07-21T18:04:00.004-05:00

I had a most unusual dream the other night; almost a nightmare. I haven't had one of those in years, but this one really creeped me out. I dreamt that we had someone at the crematory who wanted to be cremated alive. I cannot even begin to imagine how painful that would be. In the dream, we were talking to this person, explaining everything about how cremations are accomplished, how hot the retort is, how painful it would be. We even opened the door and let him feel how just how hot everything is. The average bonfire, from what I can find out on the internet, is somewhere between 600 to 900 degrees. We cremate at a temperature of 1650 degrees. If you were fully exposed to that kind of intense heat, one breath would sear your lungs, so no matter how much agony you would be in, you would not be able to scream, let alone breath. The dream ended without resolution; I either woke up or it just faded away.

Worst Removal Ever

2010-07-10T19:27:00.005-05:00

I went into work today, after a day off, hoping that all would be well, and that we could work our usual 3-4 hour morning and knock off for the day. No such luck. As soon as I walk in I'm told we have a call. I make the removal, which calls for embalming. Also, the family wants a private autopsy. So we call the pathologist and set everything up, and begin embalming. We're finishing up when the pathologist calls and says he'll be in about 2pm. I decide to knock off for lunch, because I'm on call and will have to be at the funeral home as long as the Doctor is working. When I come back from lunch I learn that we have a house call, body was found after 3 weeks, bring two men and Hazmat suits. So Returning Employee and I gear up and head out. The deceased was on the kitchen floor, completely black from head to toe, due to the advanced decomposition. A few hundred flies are buzzing all over the house, and the body is literally covered in maggots. There was a pile of them about three inches high just pouring out of the anus. Blood and fluid covered the floor for about 2 feet in every direction and the maggots were just swimming in it. We brought in a plastic sheet, laid down a body bag on top of that, and rolled the body in. Then we carried that to a cleaner part of the house, and rolled the body bag into yet another body bag. We then carried that outside to the stretcher and went straight to the cooler. Once there we poured cavity fluid inside the body bags, glued the zippers shut and put the body on the rack. In my four years, that was the worst case I've seen, but we handled it rather well, I think. By the time we got back from that call, the Doctor had arrived and was beginning his autopsy. In all, I pretty much put in an eight hour day. On top of that, I've got about a six hour day tomorrow, because we have viewing and visitation and a service, which I will be working.

Takes A Day Off - Forever Part 2

2010-07-02T23:36:00.005-05:00

Takes A Day Off finally made contact today at lunchtime. He claimed he's been in jail on some outstanding warrants, but I don't believe it for a minute. I searched the online jail records and found no record of his name. Plus, his ex-girlfriend told us earlier this week she had spoken to him recently, and she made no mention of any jail time. Finally, he has a myspace and twitter account, which I have been following daily, and there is no mention in there anywhere of being in jail. Additionally, most of his posts concern being at home and drinking. There are even some photos he uploaded.
Anyhow, he spoke to the owner, who let him know that he no longer had a job. So it's official. Takes A Day Off is gone for good, as if we didn't know that already.
Takes A Day Off Forever (Part 1)

Working The Crematory

2010-06-24T20:06:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I spent all day working the crematory. I cremated three bodies. It was hot hot hot. It's a dirty job and one I'm glad I don't have to do all day, every day. I would go nuts. One thing about me, I can't stand mindless repetition. Doing the same thing every day, with no variation or appreciable difference. I once worked an assembly line job for Hayes modems. Put out the packaging, drop in all accessories and documentation, insert product, close package, send through shrink wrap. Repeat 3 or 4 times daily. I lasted three months. One thing I love about my job, is it's never the same day twice. One day we can have a funeral, another day we'll be embalming, some days we have nothing going on, some days we'll be gone all day to the National Cemetery or a long-distance removal.

Back From Vacation

2010-06-17T20:09:00.004-05:00

I have reluctantly returned from vacation. The family and I had a great time on our 5 day Bahamas cruise. I spent a good deal of time in the casino, but I'm happy to report that overall I did not lose nearly as much as I had planned. I would estimate that despite spending a lot of time at the blackjack tables, I emerged down by about $100. I had some good luck, and I had some bad, including a dealer who mistakenly collected my bet despite my winning hand. I immediately pointed this out, and he gave me my original bet back, but not my winnings. I called him on it, and he summoned the pit boss, who gave him permission to pay me. This happened on the last night of the cruise, and it put a damper on the evening. He dealt me a 20, a 10 and a face card. He was showing an Ace, and he turned over his hole card to reveal an eight. He then went around the table collecting the losing bets. None of the other players came to my defense, and in retrospect I began to question whether he had an eight and lost to my 20, or a 9, which would have made a push and made him right to return only my wager. Regardless, the casino has some of my money, so all in all I don't feel too bad. I may also be the first person to return from a cruise weighing less than when they departed. I lost 4 pounds, no doubt due to the increased physical activities (walking the ship, climbing up and down stairs) and sensible meals with limited snacking.

Takes A Day Off - Forever

2010-06-08T20:04:00.002-05:00

Some of my previous posts reference a coworker that I nicknamed Takes A Day Off. This was because it seemed that every chance he got, this person was asking to leave early or take an extra day off altogether. He also had a habit of calling in sick, usually on a Friday or a Monday just before or after a weekend off, thereby giving himself a long weekend. One year he took an entire month off, supposedly due to an illness, although we never saw a doctor's note. This year he called out sick the first two weeks of January. About 3 and 1/2 weeks ago he took his two week vacation. After his vacation was over, we expected him to report back to work. The first day he was due back he calls in with the excuse that his mother's security alarm is going off and she's out of town and he has to go deal with it, and that he would be a couple of hours late. He never showed up. The next day, and every day since then, he's been a no call, no show. It's safe to say Takes A Day Off is no longer with us. I emailed him, but got no response. I've been watching his tweets, and he seems content to stay home, drink and play with his dogs. At least he's not leaving us short-handed.

Speaking of vacations, our cruise departs this Saturday! I'm very excited. I'm off Friday and will be spending the day tidying up the house and packing. I'll post some photos when I return.

Special Music

2010-06-03T19:14:00.002-05:00

Today I was assigned to find three songs for a funeral tomorrow. One of them was a classic hymn, which every funeral home in America probably has on hand. The other two were more uncommon, and would probably not be found in a funeral home's music library. It got me to thinking, if families want special music, shouldn't it be their responsibility to find? One of the songs I was assigned has a very common title, and when I looked it up on Rhapsody, there were over 2000 songs listed. Many of them, I'm sure, were the same song covered by numerous artists; others were probably songs that have nothing in common except the name. So out of these 2000+ songs, I downloaded the one I thought was the appropriate one. I only hope when it's played it's the right one. If not, I will blame the family for giving us nothing but a title. No artist, no genre, no indication at all of exactly which song we were supposed to find.

T Minus 10 Days And Counting

2010-06-01T19:08:00.003-05:00

...and then I'm on vacation. The family and I are taking a 5 day cruise to the Bahamas. It will be our first vacation...real vacation...in over 10 years. I'm so excited I can't stand it. I go to the cruise line website every day to see what else I can find. I've been practicing my casino games, and today I see they sometimes have trivia contests on these ships.

This vacation to me sums up the difference between my old life and my new one I've been documenting here these past 4 years. In my old life a 5 day cruise for three people would have been an impossible goal. Or if we could go at all, it would be with my son paying his own way, and limiting our shore excursions to a minimum. I'm thankful for my job, my schooling, my family and my employer. I hope I don't ever lose that sense of gratitude and appreciation for what I have now versus what I had (or didn't have) in my old life.

Help Enough At Last

2010-05-26T20:17:00.001-05:00

We've hired three new people in the last couple of months. We now have a licensed director to work at the new location, a secretary in training for the new location, and another errand guy. Takes A Day Off is on vacation, and I start mine in 16 days. I can't wait. Naturally, since we hired all these people work has slowed to a crawl. We spend most of our days cleaning and looking busy. Occasionally we get a call, but the majority of those have been direct cremation. We do have two funerals coming up, however. Visitation tomorrow at the original location, mass and burial on Friday (my day off). Next Wednesday we'll have services at the new location. Again, burial to follow.

What's Up? My Blood Pressure

2010-05-18T12:10:00.003-05:00

We got a call late yesterday afternoon. My boss sat with the family this morning and they want everything done yesterday. Of course, he throws it all on me to complete; the death certificate, the very long obituary, etc. So I call the doctor to see if he can sign while we wait so we can hurry up and get cremation authorization; they made no promises, but I sent my errand guy up there anyway with instructions to wait. Just as I was leaving for lunch, he calls and says the doctor will sign later today or first thing tomorrow. I passed him off to my boss and went home to eat. We'll see how that one plays out. Right in the middle of all of this, he dumps another file on me and tells me to set up the National Cemetery for this Friday at 1pm. I finally get to a point where I can do this, and am told by the National Cemetery Scheduling Office that this has already been set up for this Friday at 2:30pm. I ask who set it up, because nothing was documented in my file. Turns out the family had already taken care of everything. How they did it, I don't know, but it was a surprise.

A Tragedy Of Errors

2010-05-10T21:17:00.002-05:00

We had a call late last week, and the owner sat with the family Saturday morning. Sunday morning I get a call from the family pointing out that the obituary is all wrong. It turns out someone who shall remain nameless typed it up all wrong. The last name was misspelled, and the first name was nowhere near correct. So I had to go in Sunday morning and submit a new obit. Tonight was their visitation, and the family asks me where is the cross? I check the file, and yes, there was supposed to be a cross, which we were out of. I called the owner and he said just to note in the file they were due a refund on the cross. The family also wanted the wedding ring back, but when I made the removal, there wasn't one. Now the family probably thinks we're a bunch of inept, thieving boobs, and I've got to escort them to the National Cemetery tomorrow.

Not Paying Attention To The Details

2010-04-30T19:31:00.004-05:00

Our secretary has been on vacation for the past three weeks. She returns Monday, and I will be thankful. Not because I've been overwhelmed or under pressure; I haven't. It just seems that I've been screwing up more than usual lately. The trainee says it's because I've been occupied with getting her trained, and while I would like to believe that, I've just been careless. Plain and simple. I've screwed up two death certificates. The first one I put down the wrong date of death. I took this information from the face sheet my boss had worked up, based on the information provided him by the informant. However, had I bothered to check the date of death provided by the informant against the date of death provided by the hospital, I would have caught the error. I failed to do that, so yesterday I had to run downtown and have the doctor sign a medical amendment so we could get the death certificate amended with the correct information. The second one I messed up was on the place of death. The patient passed at XYZ County Hospice Care Center. This facility was not in our database, so when I entered it, I made a slight error on the name, and entered it as County Care Center. The health department rejected it, so now we have to generate a new certificate with the correct name and have the doctor sign again. I'll be glad when Monday arrives.

Training The New Hire

2010-04-27T18:21:00.004-05:00

We've hired a new secretary for our other facility. While our secretary has been on vacation these past couple of weeks, I've been training the new hire. She seems capable and easy to train, but some days I feel like I'm falling short as a trainer. Yesterday we entered all the files from the calls we had over the weekend. She did most of the work, but I forgot to put a due date on the burial/transit permits. I should have known better. Overall, though, her training is proceeding fairly well. When our secretary returns from vacation, she can fill in all the gaps where I have a clear lack of knowledge and experience.

We had two services at the National Cemetery today; my boss took one and I handled the other. Everything went well, I'm pleased to say.

A couple of months ago we ordered checks for our new facility/acquisition. Our old checks were the two-part carbonless tractor-feed style. We will be replacing them with three-part checks for the laser printer. I was asked by the owner to set them up to print on our printers, so I took care of that in short order. It took me just a few minutes to get the layout rearranged in our accounting software so they print properly. Now my next project is to get our vendor lists updated and printed out in a nice, neat format. We can do a rough printout, but some of the addresses are getting cut off. I love doing this kind of work. I may not be the best at giving out prices on the phone and trying to convince people they should use us, but I'm a whiz at computer stuff. Except networking. I know beans about that.

Moaning And Groaning And Miscellany

2010-04-10T18:01:00.004-05:00

Sorry for the long delay between posts. I've been thinking about this blog lately, and it occurred to me a lot of my posts are negative. Complaints about work or my boss or my days off, and I don't want to be a negative guy. So I'm going to try and stay away from negativity for a while. Business has slowed down to a reasonable level, for which I'm grateful. Our secretary is on vacation for the next three weeks, so I will be filling her shoes while she's gone. I hope business doesn't get overwhelming in her absence.

We had a new guy at work for a while. He seemed to be doing just fine, working funerals, cleaning up around the place, running errands, whatever needed doing he was willing to tackle. Then, the next week, he calls in on Monday saying that something came up and he can't come in. I pass his message along to the owner. Wednesday, his next scheduled day, he pulls a no-call, no-show. Friday, his next day to work, rolls around with no contact again. Needless to say, he's now an ex-employee.

We had an interesting event happen yesterday. We had a full service cremation, which is where the body is present for viewing and visitation, and after the funeral we remove the body from the casket and cremate it. Yesterday Returning Employee and Takes A Day Off were removing the body, and as soon as it cleared the casket, the casket tipped over and fell off the cart. What happened was the casket was too far back on the cart, and with both the head and foot panel open, there was too much weight on the back side of the casket, which caused it to fall over off the cart. Both panels snapped off their hinges, but no one was hurt.

We did some work in the yard today at my home. We laid down some mulch where my son parks, and afterward we washed my truck, which needed it badly. Tonight we're having lasagna. I'm looking forward to that, as it's been quite a while since we had some.

Identity Theft, In My Own Workplace

2010-03-25T18:15:00.003-05:00

This morning, my boss got a call about 7am (we were not open; he had the phones forwarded to his cell, as he does every night after hours). A family had a death and was price shopping. He gave them the information, then they called our new acquisition, which has an answering service. Of course, the answering service called my boss since he covers those calls, as well. It was the same family, wanting the same information. So, while pretending to be me, he undercut our own price by $100. He pretended to be me because he has this paranoia about people finding out we own both locations, and he had already given them his name when they called the first time. Frankly, it's the worst kept secret in town. All the funeral homes know we now have two locations. Eventually, around 11:15, we get the call, so he sends me to make the removal, set an appointment with the family, and sit down with them. Bear in mind, now, he had a lengthy conversation with them earlier while telling them he was me. So now I'm in a position where they can say that "I" told them something, and I wouldn't know if "I" did or not. And sure enough, my boss wanted me to collect an additional amount of money to cover the medical examiner fee. When I mentioned that to them, they said that "I" had told them that X amount of dollars was supposed to cover everything except death certificates. So I took the fee off, which did not make my boss happy. I told him I didn't appreciate being put in this situation. He gets mad and tells me he has to go behind the owner all the time and finish up arrangements. I pointed out that while that may be true, he never had to pretend to be the owner. Then they couldn't make up their minds when they wanted services, where they wanted them, and there was a great deal of confusion about when the cremation would be accomplished. The law here is no cremations can occur within 48 hours of the death. They misunderstood what my boss had told them, and thought the cremation would be completed within 48 hours. It was not a good day. The upside is, the service is scheduled for his Saturday to work, so he'll have to deal with them from here on out.
This is my second challenging family this week. The other day I went on a call and told the spouse we would call to set up an appointment. When I called, I was told the spouse was waiting to talk to the children and they would call me back. So the next morning, I get a call from the spouse wanting to know if the death certificates are ready. I said that no, they weren't, because you haven't come in yet to give me the information I need to generate them. We set up an appointment, for which they were 30 minutes late, and I finally got the death certificate prepared and to the doctor. I was worried about us not getting paid, but it turns out that won't be an issue.

Baseball, Funerals, Apple Pie And Chevrolet

2010-03-17T19:29:00.006-05:00

The work just keeps on coming. We had three funerals today, two tomorrow, one on Friday, and three on Saturday. In addition, we got a call this morning and the family is coming in tomorrow to make the arrangements. This will also be a full service; viewing, visitation, etc. I hope they don't want Saturday. {Edit: They did want Saturday; that's our third funeral}. Takes A Day Off was off today, despite the fact that we had three funerals, with two of those going to the National Cemetery. I think that if he was able to be off today, I should have no issues taking my regular day off this Friday. If I have to work, I'll be wanting to have a discussion with the owner.

In other news, I've been wanting to play some baseball on my PC, and I can't find my EA Sports game I bought a few years ago. So I went out and bought 2K Sports MLB2K9. It was half the price of 2K10, and I'm not one who has to have the absolute most up to date rosters and such. Overall, it's an ok game, but it has some issues which are driving me crazy. I can't seem to be able to play at home, no matter how many times I select HOME from the menu. The controller is programmable, but if you change the buttons on your batting menu, it also affects the buttons on other menus such as fielding and baserunning. Also, despite the fact that I saved my profile as a rookie, every time I start the game I'm back on pro level. Overall, I prefer my EA Sports baseball game, but they no longer make them.

Holy Crap, It's Busy!

2010-03-08T18:00:00.004-05:00

The business just keeps coming and coming and coming! We're short-handed, overworked and frazzled. We had quite a few calls over the weekend, 2 this morning, 1 as I was leaving work, with some calls that we know are pending. The owner is looking for another licensed funeral director, and a secretary for our new location.
Saturday we had a large funeral, I came in at 8am and left at 6pm, stopping long enough to shovel down a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy's, then went right back to work. Sunday I worked 5 hours, and this morning, as I mentioned, started out with 2 calls. I made both of those removals, then started running the errands, got shorted on my lunch by 30 minutes, got back to the errands in the afternoon, and left work 30 minutes later than normal.
Please, God, if you're willing, give us a break.

Eleven Years

2010-03-06T20:20:00.002-05:00

Today is the 11th anniversary of the passing of my father. How my life has changed in that time. I went from being a broke, unhappy, retail slave renting an apartment to a more financially secure, happy in his career, home owning funeral director. Yet I would give all that up if it would bring my father back. I miss him terribly. Still, had he not died my life would be nothing like it is today. I'm rambling, I know. My point is, you never know why things happen the way they do or for what reasons they do. The best you can do is take a crappy situation and try to make some good come out of it.

I Did Well

2010-03-06T20:06:00.003-05:00

The other day a family walked in to make arrangements. I was told they were coming in on Friday, but they showed up Thursday unexpectedly. I called my boss, and he told me to go ahead and sit down with them and handle everything. So I did, and it was a full service cremation with embalming, viewing, services, the whole works. I had already embalmed the body, with assistance from Returning Employee, but I did most of the work. I set the features, raised the vessel, did the injection, and the heart tap. I was worried about how the family would like the way their loved one look, especially since they were worried about the lower teeth being in place. (The dentures had gone missing from the facility where we made the removal; turns out the lowers were in the mouth, and the family had the uppers). Today was the funeral, and I was very relieved when they told me how wonderful their loved one looked and how pleased they were with the job we had done.

Hold That Procession, I'm Hungry

2010-02-25T21:03:00.002-05:00

I experienced a first this morning. We had a funeral procession from our new acquisition to the National Cemetery. Our second firm is located next to a convenience store, and when we had the family go out to their cars to line up for the procession, some of them went next door to get some snacks for the road! It held us up about 10 minutes and made us late arriving at the cemetery. Unbelievable.

I Have Snatched The Pebble From His Hand

2010-02-24T17:59:00.002-05:00

I have learned more about embalming from Returning Employee than anybody. We work well together and have done many many cases. Returning Employee and I were embalming two bodies on Sunday morning. He was having trouble raising the right carotid artery. He said he couldn't feel anything like an artery; maybe it was a small one. He asked me to come over and see what I thought. I poked around inside the neck for a few moments, grabbed a couple of aneurysm hooks, and in just a moment or two had the artery raised. Later, when we decided to shoot up the left side of the head, I told him to let me know if he needed any help with the artery. His response was that he was going to let me go ahead and do it, since I did such a fine job on the first artery. Naturally, I got the second one up in just a few moments, as well. I told him I would not tell anyone, except maybe
My Wife
The Secretary
Takes A Day Off
My Boss
The Owner
Owner's Wife
and I kept my word.

To Boldly Go

2010-02-20T21:09:00.002-05:00

I know it's been a couple of weeks since my last post. I've been using that time to try out "Star Trek" online. I'm on the fence about it. I'll have to keep playing and see where it takes me and if I want to continue.

Work continues to be busy, although we have slowed down just a tad. Instead of all burials, we're starting to get a few simple cremations or cremations with full service. Me and my boss haven't butted heads lately, but he did get a call last night, probably around 8pm or so. For reasons known only to him, he left the body for me and Returning Employee to embalm this morning. We also had a snafu with the tissue donation people. They picked up a body at the hospital, and after their harvesting procedures, were to return the body to us this morning at 10:30. Returning Employee camped out at the new location, waiting to receive it. Finally, around noon, we called. Turns out the body had not been picked up to bring to us. They showed up eventually, around 2pm. Of course, they had no face sheet or paperwork from the hospital, which means Monday we'll have to call the hospital and get medical records to give us the name of a doctor we can contact about signing the death certificate. While I admire the concept of organ and tissue donation, screw ups like this make me dread those calls where the tissue people get involved.

Another Thing I Hate

2010-02-06T16:24:00.003-05:00

Visitors who arrive late to the funeral service. When we tell you the service starts at 11, we mean 11. Not 11:15, not 11:30. I cannot tell you how many funerals I have worked where guests arrive 10-15 minutes late. I have even seen visitors arrive after the funeral was over and everybody was leaving. Punctuality, or lack of it, is one of my pet peeves. I am anal-retentive when it comes to being on time, and my attitude is if I can be punctual, so can anybody else. It's not that hard, especially when you have a couple of days to plan ahead.

Edit: February 20, 2010. I also hate when people wait until after I've packed up the guest book and thank you cards to ask if they can sign the book. Why didn't you sign when you came in? Also, if there is no book out on display, the family didn't want one. Don't come asking me where it is, then get all pissy because the family didn't buy one.

Things I Hate

2010-02-02T20:17:00.002-05:00

I was thinking about things I hate today, due to some events that transpired Monday and Tuesday. I hate when my boss is two steps behind me. Not literally, but he doesn't seem to grasp the fact that I'm good at working unsupervised. The business keeps on coming, and my boss had the kind of weekend that I had the previous weekend. Sunday we had two visitations. One of the visitations concluded with the funeral service, the other was to have the funeral Monday morning. As a result, there was some room-swapping going on, with the body for Monday taken out of the chapel so the other family could have their service. When I got to work Monday morning, I noticed the switch, and set about pulling the one body out of the chapel so we could put the other one back in, removing flowers, getting things cleaned up and organized, etc. We also had limo due at the family's residence at 8:30am. As I'm getting things cleaned up and situated, my boss calls me. The secretary comes to get me and tells me it's my boss on the phone, so I immediately predicted how the conversation would go: "Pull the one body out of the chapel, put the other one back in, tell Returning Employee he's got limo, get all the flowers out of the chapel, make sure the hearse has gas..." So when I pick up the phone, what do I hear? "We've got limo this morning, we need to switch bodies in the chapel, make sure flowers are ready to go..." I interrupted him and told him I was way ahead of him and that it had already been taken care of.

I hate when no one replaces the empty paper towels. We use paper towels all over the funeral home. One roll in each of the three bathrooms, one roll in the kitchen, two in the prep room and one in the garage. Yet nobody seems to be able to replace them when they are empty. Many is the time I find a cardboard tube devoid of paper towels parked in the dispenser. To me, it's an easy fix. If you take the last sheet, replace the roll. For some reason, I seem to be the only one that has a firm grip on this principle. I even wrote on an empty tube in the kitchen, "If you take the last paper towel, replace the roll." My boss took it down and told me the owner had taken the last sheet.

I hate when families arrive way too early. Today we had a visitation scheduled for 12:30. At 11:15 the hair on the deceased is being styled, and the family walks in, one hour and 15 minutes early. I had them wait in the lobby until we were ready for them.

I hate getting attitude for just trying to do my job. When the family arrived way too early, I called the owner, who was on his way to our new acquisition, to let him know the family had arrived. His response? "What do you want me to do about it?" I calmly told him, "Nothing; I just wanted you to be aware of what was going on."

What A Weekend

2010-01-24T19:52:00.004-05:00

This has been one of the longest weekends I've worked in a while. Saturday we had a funeral in a city about 2 hours away. The owner and I worked that service, while Returning Employee stayed behind with my boss to set up for an afternoon visitation. I got back from the funeral just in time to work about 90% of that funeral. The schedule was for visitation from 3-6pm, with services at 6. When I returned my boss had left me a note saying the family was going to stay after services for however long they felt like. That turned out to be about an hour. I didn't get home until 8pm. Saturday was 12 hours long; but wait, there's more! At 12:30am (technically Sunday morning) I get called out. I had arrived at the funeral home and was walking across the parking lot when my phone rang. We had a second call. I made both of those and got home about 2am. I was awakened at 8am by my boss calling; we had two more calls. One was a house call, the other at a hospital. I made the house call, dropped the body off at the crematory, then went to the hospital. When I returned to the funeral home, we had to embalm one of my calls from midnight, prepare for a viewing/visitation tomorrow morning, a cot view that took place this afternoon, and another viewing/visitation today from 3-6pm with services at 6. Sunday was 10 hours long. I hope I'm done; I'm still on call until 8am tomorrow. The good news in all of this is I've got 11 hours of overtime, plus 7 removals, which we get paid extra for. My paycheck this week will be sweet!

Edit: I got another call at 2a.m.

Doctor Frustration And Vindication

2010-01-22T21:10:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was a heck of a day, and I came home feeling very down. We had received a call "second hand." By that, I mean we were not the ones initially to get the call to pick up the deceased. The person died in a hospital, and the organ donation people came for the body. While they had it, the family contacted us for services. We met with the family and made arrangements to receive the body, but we got very little in the way of paperwork. For the doctor of record, all we had was one name. I wasn't sure if it was a first name or last name, and there was no phone number. I called the organ people, who were able to give me a last name, but no phone number. After much research on the internet, I found a likely match, including a phone number. I called that office and confirmed that the doctor had seen the patient, but the staff would not verify that the doctor would sign. We delivered the death certificate anyway, hoping to get an answer in the meantime.

It turns out the doctor had only seen the patient once, while he was covering for the primary physician. So he was not going to sign the death certificate. I was able to get a name and phone number for the doctor we were told was the primary. I called that office and gave them the information, but they never called back. So after about 3 hours, I called them, and was told they had no record of the patient at all. I called the hospital where the patient died, hoping to get another doctor, but there weren't any listed on the patients charts. In the meantime, my boss is getting frustrated with me because I wasn't getting anywhere. At one point he's standing there watching me on the phone, and he says, "we may have to call the family and get the name of her doctor." I picked up the file and handed it to him, and said, "you can call while I'm on hold for the organ people." He just looked at me like I was crazy and did absolutely nothing. After getting nowhere, and with the day winding down, I called the spouse of the deceased and left a message to call us back. I then called my boss and told him what I had done. He proceeds to tell me I should not have done that, despite his suggestion a few hours earlier of doing that very same thing. He then asks me for the phone number of one of the offspring. He calls and finds out the name of yet another doctor.

I came home feeling very down because of his criticism, and because he seemed to get the results in just a few minutes while I had gotten nowhere all afternoon. This morning he came in and started working on confirming the doctor, only to start running into the same obstacles I had. The doctor he had was not the right one, the hospital was of no help, etc. I felt vindicated and much relieved that he was having the same amount, if not more trouble today than I had yesterday. To top it off, as of close of business, he still had not resolved the issue.

Cast Of Characters

2010-01-17T20:40:00.002-05:00

It occurred to me that anyone stumbling across this blog might be confused by the way I address some of my colleagues. To clear up any confusion, here is the cast of characters I work with.

The owner-owner of the funeral home and my boss's boss.
My boss-partner of the owner and my immediate superior.
Takes A Day Off-one of our attendants, errand runner, and on-call guy. Given this nickname by me on this blog for his tendency to take as much time off whenever possible. For instance, only two and a half-weeks into the New Year and he's taken four sick days.
Returning Employee-previous employee who had left before I started working and came back about six months after I was hired. He's one of our embalmers and has taught me a lot in the prep room. We work pretty well together.
Secretary-no explanation needed, and I don't talk about this person much. We work very well together and I learned most of the paperwork and procedures by from this person.

The Book Of Eli

2010-01-15T19:26:00.003-05:00

I saw it today on my day off. The movie was awesome. I highly recommend it, and I would love to see it again, hopefully with my family.

Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon

2010-01-14T18:32:00.003-05:00

I woke up in the middle of the night last night to use the bathroom. I couldn't get back to sleep, so I laid in bed playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. For anyone not familiar with the game, you think of a famous person and within six steps try and connect them in some way to Kevin Bacon. For example, Robin Williams.
Robin Williams was in "The World According to Garp" with John Lithgow.
John Lithgow was in "Footloose" with Kevin Bacon.

Some connections may be more elaborate. The challenge I chose for myself was Andre the Giant. At 3am, my brain wasn't working too well, so I did not get an answer before I fell asleep. However, I did come up with one this morning.
To see my solution, click on the comments link.

Unusual Day

2010-01-13T20:06:00.002-05:00

Today was not what I expected. Yesterday morning my boss told me Takes A Day Off would be back to work today. This morning I found out Takes A Day Off will be back at work on Friday, which is my day off. Regardless of what happens, I will take my day off. I've been reassured that Takes A Day will be covering this weekend like he's supposed to. Anyhow, today we had a service followed by burial at the National Cemetery. It was decided I would work that service with another director from our new acquisition. Turns out the other director was in dire need of death certificates which had not arrived yet, so he is need of someone to run down to the next county and pick them up. It was decided he would go to the National Cemetery alone while I ran the other errand. However, I was stuck at the new acquisition with no vehicle. Someone from our original location was going to come get me, but an hour after the director left, I'm still waiting. In the meantime, right after the procession left for the cemetery, someone comes in to pick up cremated remains. Not 1 minute after they walk in, we get a walk-in at need Medical Examiner call. The family wants viewing and visitation for tomorrow, with a service in the evening. I called my boss and told him I had a walk in, so he comes over in time to finish up. I had started taking information for the death certificate, and about the time we get to services and pricing, my boss arrived and closed the deal. Immediately afterward, we return to the original funeral home, where I take the errand car to pick up the death certificates, and he takes the van to go to the Medical Examiner's office and get the body. He returned around 4pm and together we embalmed the body. Tomorrow morning Returning Employee and I must suture the body, bathe, dress and casket him, then go to the airport for our ship in funeral. I will be in the hearse and he will have the limo. When I return from that I'm supposed to work the evening visitation, I think. We'll see what the owner wants done.

Bohica

2010-01-11T19:10:00.002-05:00

Bohica is an acronym we used in the Navy. It stands for "Bend Over, Here It Comes Again," meaning one was about to receive a royal screwing. We would sometimes refer to it as "Screwed and Not Even Kissed," except being sailors we weren't so concerned with our language.

The point of all this is that Takes A Day Off called in sick today, and now it's even doubtful if he will be able to fulfill his on-call duties this coming weekend. Since my boss is going out of town this weekend, someone will have to cover those duties. 99% of the time, it falls to me. I am seriously considering putting my foot down over this. Takes A Day Off has a history of bailing out on his weekends when my boss is out of town. I should bring this to the attention of the owner and see what his thoughts are. I've repeatedly worked on my weekends off and been asked to come in on my days off, while others can take time off whenever they want to. I've about had it.

In addition to the weekend, we have two services on Wednesday, one of which involves the limo and picking up the family and the casket at the airport. Returning Employee is supposed to be off on that day, but if Takes A Day Off is out for the count, I think someone besides me will be screwed out of their day off.

Busy Start To The New Year

2010-01-10T18:59:00.002-05:00

The business just keeps on coming. We closed out December with about 28 calls or so; right now in the New Year we're around 7 or 8. Almost a call a day for the past two months. We had a funeral every day last week, but as of last Friday our calls have all been simple cremations; no services or ceremonies. We did have an interesting visitation last week. The family was having a Mass, but during the visitation they asked us to turn on the microphone and turn down the music. Various friends and family got up to speak, and when they were done we turned the music back on. A few minutes later more people got up to speak, so we turned the music down. After they were done {again} we left the music off because it was almost time to leave for church. The family came up and asked us to turn the music back up, which we did. No sooner had we done that than someone else got up to speak. However, we got through it, got ready for church and all was well.

Good Chinese Food

2009-12-30T19:06:00.004-05:00

I usually don't post twice in the same day, but this has been on my mind, especially after our disastrous supper outing tonight. When I was in high school in Atlanta, there was a favorite Chinese restaurant I used to eat at frequently. This was the best Chinese food I have ever tasted, even better than the meal I had in Singapore while on shore leave in the Navy. When I first asked the woman who would become my wife out on our first date, I took her there for supper. The whole time we lived in Atlanta, we would eat there whenever we could afford to, which wasn't too often. When we left Atlanta for Greenville, SC, we tried to find a restaurant that was just as good as what we had left behind. Sadly, our search was fruitless. Apparently people in Greenville have no conception of what good, really good, Chinese food is. Eventually we gave up searching and stopped eating Chinese altogether.

Now that we are in our new home, we have been looking on and off these past couple of years for good Chinese food. I fear this market is even worse than Greenville. We've tried restaurants on the recommendations of friends, but this turned out to be disastrous, as nobody has recommended a winner yet. What they think is good and what we consider good are two completely different ends of the spectrum.

So this has left me wondering; am I being too snobby or picky? Or is it that, so far, we have not found any Chinese food to compare with what we had in Atlanta? I hope there is good food out there, I really do. There is nothing worse for supper than bad Chinese food, which is what we had tonight in our continuing search for a quality restaurant.

The Family Was Pleased

2009-12-30T19:05:00.004-05:00

The person I embalmed Monday was buried today at the National Cemetery. The family came in an hour before for a private viewing, and they were very happy with the appearance of their loved one. Most of it was due to the cosmetizing done by the owner, but I am still proud of the work I did and the difficulties I dealt with and overcame.

I Should Have Feared

2009-12-29T18:43:00.004-05:00

In my last post I talked about another solo embalming I was going to do. I'm sorry to say that despite my confidence, it did not turn out too well at all. The body was full of water, I got very poor circulation and poor distribution. I ended up working for 3 hours, and my case turned into a 6 point injection. Both carotid arteries, both brachial arteries, and both femoral arteries. Despite injecting the right leg, fluid was not moving at all. I ended up hypodermically embalming both legs and the torso. The only good results I got were going down both arms and going up the head.

However, despite the poor results, I take satisfaction in knowing that I was able to deal with it. I successfully raised and injected the arteries, and successfully treated those areas that did not get good distribution. The owner checked my work today and said everything looked good, which I will take as a compliment, considering the condition of the body.

Flying Solo, Again

2009-12-28T18:04:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to perform my first solo embalming. Tonight, I will have another opportunity. There are no services, just a family to witness the burial at the National Cemetery. As soon as the call comes in, I will head back to work to take care of everything. I am fearless.

What We Have Here Is Failure To Communicate!

2009-12-23T18:00:00.002-05:00

For the past two days I've been trying to track down the doctor for the death certificate on one of our calls. The person passed at a local hospital, yet there was no face sheet in the file. I called the hospital to get the name of the doctor, but was never able to reach him. I left a couple of messages for him, but never heard back. So in desperation I called the family to see if the person had a primary physician I could contact. I was informed by the family that there was no primary, which is why this person had been taken to the Medical Examiner for autopsy. I felt about an inch tall. Turns out this was an ME call, but nobody bothered to put it on the board or in the file. So about 2:30 this afternoon, I hop in the van and head off to the coroner's office to pick up the body and the death certificate.

Planning Ahead

2009-12-22T18:16:00.002-05:00

Recently I started thinking about the internet and people who spend a lot of time there. What happens when that person dies? Does the family know how to notify the online community? There is a blog I follow which hasn't had a post in over two months. What if that author has passed on?
Last night I sat down and thought about every website, username and password I use online, and I wrote them all down in a notebook that I keep by the computer. I've showed my wife what it is and where I keep it. If anything should ever happen to me, she can access all my websites, user accounts, etc., to let friends, vendors, facebook users, etc., know that I'm gone. Something to think about.

An End To The Madness

2009-12-19T21:10:00.002-05:00

Things have finally calmed down. After our services Wednesday, we did get a couple of calls, but they were direct cremations. One of them was in the parking lot of a nearby shopping center. I did have one to embalm for ship out, so the owner came in and helped out, doing most of the work while I assisted. He did tell me the left arm was in need of fluid and that I would need to inject it before I left, then he went home, leaving me to finish up. Raising the brachial arteries is my weak point when it comes to injecting, so I was thinking it would take me a good 20 minutes to raise the vessel; fortunately a few minutes after making my incision, I found it hiding behind the tendon. I raised it, injected the fluid, got excellent results, then shut everything down and went home. I got called out a few hours later (about 1:30am), but that was nearby and took only a little while. Plus, I did not have to embalm. I made the call, then went home and climbed back into my warm and cozy bed.

Making Up For Lost Business

2009-12-13T14:58:00.002-05:00

This year has been slower than normal for us, but it seems as if fate is trying it's best to make it up to us. In November we averaged almost a call a day, which for our staff is quite busy. This month it started out slow, but things exploded over the weekend. We've had four calls since Friday night, plus several calls for the other location, and most of them were embalmed. They are either ship outs, burials, or full service cremations. Our prep room is so crowded we're having to put bodies onto stretchers instead of tables, simply because we ran out of tables. We've got visitation every night this week until Wednesday.

Random Observations And Thoughts

2009-12-06T17:37:00.003-05:00

Just a few random thoughts for today:
Every time we call a doctor's office and get a recording, without fail each and every office will start out by saying, "You have reached Dr. {Name}'s office. If this is a medical emergency, please hang up and dial 911."
I would like to think that people aren't so stupid that they would try to reach their doctor instead of an ambulance in a medical emergency, but 20 years of retail won't let me.

When older people call the funeral home checking on services, a lot of them will say something like, "When will Mr. Boddy be laid out?" I know what they mean, but in my mind laying out was what I did with my clothes for the next day when I was in high school. I would lay them out the night before so I could get dressed quickly. Younger people usually ask, "are there any services for Mr. Boddy?"

Why is it families wait until the most inopportune moment, like a Sunday afternoon, to call the funeral home and check on things like death certificates?

Just Too Funny

2009-12-03T21:15:00.002-05:00

The other day the owner's wife sat down with me and started asking me about my day off. As you may know, I usually have every other Monday off. About once every other month, I will have to work on my day off due to the amount of business we may have going on that day. Every time this happens, the owner tells me that we need to figure out a better day off for me, but then he promptly forgets about it until the next time it happens.

So between myself, the owner and his wife (who is in charge of payroll) we decided to switch my day off to every other Friday, starting with the one tomorrow, which is also the start of our new pay period. Well, my boss had made plans a few weeks ago for a long weekend, starting today after work, and my owner left town today for a couple of days. So on my very first new day off, which was designed to avoid the issue of me having to work when I'm supposed to be off, I have to work.

Better Left Unsaid

2009-11-26T09:52:00.004-05:00

I came into work Wednesday morning, and found out we had a call overnight. My boss informs me that we have pre-need, and since there are no services called for, and it is to be a direct cremation, I will be meeting with the family. Then he proceeds to tell me, "if they do want anything, don't schedule it for tomorrow."

Talk about things that really didn't need to be said...

First Week At The New Location

2009-11-20T19:41:00.002-05:00

I just completed my first week at the new location. So far it hasn't been so bad. I've typed up a few at-need files, arranged for services at the National Cemetery, and spent most of the week going through old files and purging them of excess paperwork, as well as making sure they are entered into the at-need database.

Purging files may sound like busy-work, but it really isn't. Say that you have a filing cabinet full of files. For arguments sake let's say 250 files per drawer, and they are packed in tightly. If you remove 2 pieces of paper from each file, that adds up to 500 pieces, which is the size of a ream, about 2 inches thick. Multiply that by 25 years worth of files, that's a lot of paper and a lot of extra room you just freed up. And I'm not just removing one or two pieces of paper per file; I'm averaging between 5 and 10 sheets of paper per file.

I also got to work the crematory a little bit today. On the last cremation of the day, about an hour into the process, we opened up the door to the retort and I stirred the bones around. About 30 minutes after that, we opened the door again and I pushed the cremated remains to the back of the retort, then went to the access hatch and pulled them out. I also processed and packaged the previous set of cremated remains. It's hot, messy work and I'm glad I don't have to do it every day.

Some Days I Just Want To Smack Him

2009-11-13T21:04:00.007-05:00

I started working at our new location yesterday. I spent the day going through the files for October and November, making sure all the paperwork was in order. There were several files that did not have the Social Security forms filled out and faxed, so I took care of those. Today, I was working and some people came in. They lost someone, and wanted cremation. I called "home office" and was told to sit down with them and start getting the information for the death certificate. My boss would be over shortly to take over if the services were to be more detailed. It wound up being simple cremation, which I handled. They picked an urn, paid for everything, and left. I'm in the office typing up the death certificate and permits, and my boss notices that I did not post payment on the back of the contract. I did, however, for the benefit of the family, note on the front of the contract that everything was paid in full, by whom, and the check number. I tell my boss I will get to it. He kept harping on the fact that I hadn't posted it yet, and I kept telling him I would. He kept on, and finally I snapped. I said, "I'm going to do it, give me a chance to get to it! And you're a fine one to talk. You don't post them on your contracts, either!" He looked at me with a perfectly straight face, and says, "No, {secretary} does it." Unbelievable.

Later, he met with a family who had called in. Afterward, he gives me the paperwork to complete while he gets ready to go to the hospital to get the body. He changes his mind and has me go, because the family will be back with payment shortly. I get up, indicate the typewriter and the file, and say, "ok, there's the death certificate and the permit to finish." He tells me, "I don't do those." I asked him about funeral directors completing their own files, and he proceeds to brag about how he "landed" the call and got them to use us, as if that was the extent of his responsibility. Some days I just want to smack him.

It's Time

2009-11-08T17:28:00.003-05:00

Starting tomorrow, I will be working at the new location, as I discussed in this post. My boss will be stopping by every morning to check in. One "perk" I had been enjoying at our original location was less face time with my boss. I get along with him ok, and we can work together when we have to; it's just that I find everything goes so much smoother when he's not around. So tomorrow is my first day at the other place. I will be answering phones, handling paperwork, and various other clerical and administrative tasks, plus, I'm sure, the occasional janitorial duties. One problem the owner has with the staff at the new place is that no one seems to know how to clean.

Edit 7:24pm EST: I just got a call from my boss; I don't have to go tomorrow. The owner will let me know when it's time.

Final Score

2009-11-04T20:01:00.003-05:00

My total number of calls for time on call was 7, which is a record. Sunday, my last day on call, I was awakened early in the morning with two calls. I was instructed to go to the nursing home first, as the family was still there, then go to the hospital. I made the first removal, brought the body back to the funeral home, then headed to the hospital. I got to the hospital, got my paperwork from admitting, then waited for security to come to the morgue so I could get the body. Some young security punk lets me in, I tell him who I'm there for, and he nods his head in the direction of the cooler, and says, "drawer 6." Then he just stands there, leaning against the counter. Drawer 6 was closest to the floor, so I position my stretcher, lower it all the way down, then open the drawer and, with some difficulty, pull the tray out. I can immediately see why I had such a hard time. The person on the tray was about 300-350 pounds. So I start thinking, "ok, he's gonna see how big this person is, surely he's gonna give me some help." Nope, not one lick. I manage, with some struggling, to move the body from the tray to the stretcher, then raise the stretcher back up to full height. I then slid the tray back in, then told him, "Thanks for all your help" then left. I don't think he caught the sarcasm in my voice, because he answered me with a sincere, "you're welcome."

Double Whammy

2009-10-26T22:54:00.002-05:00

I'm on call today, and when I got home I was able to relax for about 30 minutes before we got a call. It was about 30 minutes away, and called for embalming. So I made the removal, we did the embalming, and I came home, arriving about 9pm. I was able to relax for about 20 minutes, when I get another call. This one was about 45 minutes away, and also calls for embalming. Thankfully, my boss told me we could do that in the morning. I've been home for about 45 minutes, and I'm wondering if it's safe to go to bed. I brought the company van home, just in case.

Edit: 20 minutes later. No, it was not safe to go to bed. Another call. It's now 2am, and I've been going since 7:30am.

Victory Is Mine

2009-10-23T18:13:00.002-05:00

I am pleased to report that the owner approved of my embalming job I did last night. That makes me happy.

My First Solo Embalming

2009-10-22T21:59:00.002-05:00

In this post I talked about my first attempt at embalming solo, which didn't turn out so well. Tonight I got home, got undressed and was just about to sit down and relax when my phone rings. It's my boss, we have a call, and I'm on duty. It's for our new location, and it's a pretty good ways away. It's in a hospital about an hour away. The other day Takes A Day Off had to make a removal under similar circumstances. He jokingly complained to the former owner of our new location, "don't you get any calls that are close by?" So I called Takes A Day Off and told him about this new call. He couldn't believe it.

Anyway, my boss proceeds to tell me this call will require embalming, but there will be no viewing or visitation. These types of cases are perfect for rookie embalmers to handle, so I was put in charge of the embalming. I made the removal, got the body back to the funeral home, and took care of everything start to finish, solo. I feel pretty good about the results, and I can only hope the owner is satisfied with my work.

Relocation Update And Some Randomness

2009-10-21T18:05:00.005-05:00

I had previously mentioned that I was being transferred temporarily to our new funeral home. I was informed today that will not happen for at least another week and a half.
I was to have started this past Monday, but that was my day off. Monday afternoon I get a call from my boss to report to our original location because there was a lot to do. I showed up Tuesday morning and saw that we had a funeral plus visitation. Today (Wednesday) we also had a funeral, so I spent my day at the "home office." At the end of the day, the owner tells me that since this week's already half over, and since the owner will be out of town all next week, to not report to the new location until after he returns. So I have a reprieve, which is awesome.

I ended up working the visitation last night. I was supposed to get an hour off between 4pm and 5pm so I could take a break and get some supper. However, since my boss was out of the office and our secretary had to leave early, I was stuck at work until 4:20, which is when by boss returned. I ran home, heated up a can of Ravioli, ate it and got back by 5 because my boss ordered me to back so he could go home on time. (Not that he cares about me getting my breaks "on time"). I return to find that not one thing had been done in my absence. All of the trash cans from the afternoon visitation session were still full, including the one in the chapel, and the front door glass was covered in fingerprints. I took one look around, then said, "You guys didn't even empty the trash!" Then I got right to work cleaning while they went home. Had they been doing real work in my absence, I might have been more understanding, but they were watching rap videos on YouTube.

All Empty

2009-10-15T20:02:00.001-05:00

All of our services are concluded, we had no new calls as of closing time today, and the crematory has cremated all but two bodies. Tomorrow one of those will be taken care of, and then we'll be cleaning the cooler from top to bottom, inside and out. Of the three and a half years I've been working as a funeral director, I have never seen business so slow. We are about 45 calls behind this same time last year. However, it's not just us. I've been tracking the obituaries and all of the local funeral homes are down. Firms that averaged 30-40 calls a month are running at about 10 calls to date. There was even an article in one of the trade magazines that was discussing the declining death rate for this year. At least the owner is aware that it's not just us.

Bummed

2009-10-13T17:09:00.003-05:00

Today I found out something that really bummed me out. As you may know, the owner purchased another funeral home in March of this year. For the past few months, one of our newer employees has been working there in a role of secretary/administration. She is moving, so today I was informed I will be taking her place at the new location. I don't mind the work involved, it's more that I will be separated from my usual coworkers and my usual routine. For example, every morning I arrive at work early, make coffee, and enjoy a few cups with everyone while we take turns reading various sections of the paper. The new location has no coffeemaker, and does not take the local paper, only the Wall Street Journal, which I have no interest in at all. Also, that location has a minimal staff; the two previous owners, plus my boss stops in every morning before going to the primary location, and now, myself. However, while I am to be working there, one of the previous owners will be working at our primary location to learn how to do things the way we need them done. So for a great deal of the time, it will be myself and one other person, who is in charge of running the crematory.

Still, I can choose to let this bother me, or I can meet it for the challenge that it is. I will be in charge of the phones, paperwork, death certificates, accounting (with some assistance from "home office") and various other miscellaneous tasks. Another factor to consider is that all death calls are handled through our main location, so instead of being sent out on a call, I will be the one doing the sending. I think mostly, though, I will miss the companionship of my coworkers. This situation is not permanent, but it does appear that it may last into the New Year. I'll keep you posted.

Boss Got Chewed Out

2009-10-08T21:56:00.002-05:00

My boss got chewed out by the owner today. My boss had me ship an urn last week, giving me no special instructions at all. So I sent it in the usual manner, 1st class, return receipt requested. It went out on the 1st of October, and so far it has not arrived, and the family is having a ceremony sometime in the next day or two. So we've been getting calls every day from the receiving funeral home, and today the owner overhears one of these calls, so he starts asking my boss about it. My boss says we sent the urn 2 or 3 day express, and I speak up and tell him I did not do that, and my boss tries to turn the blame back on me by saying that I should have sent it "the way we usually send them." Well, I did send it in the usual manner, and the owner starts chewing my boss out about how he should have given specific instructions, especially if time was a factor. The chewing lasted about 20 minutes, and I left about 5 minutes into it. I'll have to keep my head down and try to stay out of my boss's way until he's over being pissed at me (which I'm sure he is.)

Cat Issues

2009-09-26T18:59:00.003-05:00

In my last post I introduced Callie, and mentioned that our old cat was having issues. Well, now the shoe is on the other paw. Puppy Cat finally got to the point where he wants to be friendly, but now Callie is hissing at him when he gets too close. We've been letting them hang out as much as possible together, but keeping them separate at bedtime. Hopefully Callie will get over it, or else we will have to return her to the shelter.

Takes A Day Off did work Monday, and I got my day off, but Wednesday he took another half day off! I told the owner there were errands to be run, but I didn't know where Takes A Day Off was, and he tells me that he took off after lunch. My immediate comment was, "because he didn't have enough time off last week?" The owner just shrugged. I don't know what to make of it all.

It's A Girl! No, Really, It Is,This Time

2009-09-20T19:14:00.011-05:00

This is the newest member of our family, Callie. She really is a girl; we adopted her from the local shelter. We got her so Puppy Cat, originally known as Daisy, would have someone to play with. However, Puppy Cat is not reacting too well to another cat in the house. I did some research on the internet and learned to give the old cat time to get used to the scent of the new cat, and to keep them in separate rooms until the old cat acclimates. Then slowly, under supervision, begin to let them mingle. Callie is four years old, but she's about half the size of Puppy Cat, who is about a year and a half, and looks like a kitten that's halfway to adulthood. My wife is looking forward to having a cat of her own, as Puppy Cat is pretty much my cat.

P.S. I get to take tomorrow off, and the owner said he would deal with Takes A Day Off. We'll see what happens.

I'm Sick

2009-09-18T17:14:00.002-05:00

Takes A Day Off called out "sick" again today. I am also sick, but did I call out? No, I didn't. On top of that, since he's out again, I am once again having to cover his calls tonight. He now owes me two days, and rest assured I will get them.

I have a head cold, and I'm supposed to take a family in the limousine to the National Cemetery on Monday. I told the owner I was sick, but that my boss was planning for me to take the family. He asked me, "Are you supposed to be off Monday?" I told him I was supposed to be, so he asks me why my boss is having me come in. I told him he would have to ask my boss. Then he asks when my boss will be back from his trip, and I tell him that my boss will be at work Monday morning. So he asks me why my boss isn't working this service, and again, I tell him he would need to ask my boss. I'm beginning to think that perhaps I will get my Monday off, after all, especially if I'm snotting and sniffling all the way up to the cemetery.

Catching Up

2009-09-17T19:08:00.002-05:00

The month got off to a slow start, but business has been on the rise. Between our two locations, we had four services this past Monday, and two today at our primary location, with another one coming up for Monday. Naturally, with Monday being my day off, I'm getting the shaft again and having to work.

Takes A Day Off went home "sick" at lunch on Tuesday. Coincidentally, Wednesday just happened to be his regular day off. Funny how he always seems to get sick when it will provide him with a couple of days off in a row or a long weekend. Not surprisingly, he also phoned in sick this morning, despite the fact we had two funerals today. I was at the Post Office buying stamps yesterday; the clerk said that Takes A Day Off had been in on Tuesday, which was his sick day. I asked the clerk if that was in the morning or the afternoon, but he couldn't remember. I told my boss about the incident, because to the best of my knowledge, we had no postal errands Tuesday morning.

Since Takes A Day Off is out sick, I'm having to cover his calls tonight, if we get any. I'm going to let him know he can cover mine next Tuesday, which is when I will take my day off, since Monday is out.

I was scouting around the internet looking for some online gaming, along the lines of World of Warcraft or some other MMORPG type of game. Mainly, I wanted something I could play for free. I found listings for quite a few, but I guess maybe I'm just too picky or something, because nothing really appealed to me.

Hollywood Cracks Me Up

2009-09-03T18:31:00.003-05:00

Have you ever watched a movie or tv show, and the central theme revolves around something you are intimately familiar with? This happened to me the other night. We were watching "Bones" on TNT. For those not familiar with the show, an FBI agent and a doctor who specializes in skeletal remains team up to solve crimes. In this particular episode, they were at the funeral of a colleague. He had dropped dead shortly after having lunch. The paramedics and the coroner ruled that is was a congenital heart defect that killed him. The viewing was at the home of the deceased. This is unusual, but not unheard of. When the time came for all the visitors to pay their final respects, the doctor approached the casket. Spotting a flower that had been placed on his chest, and since fallen to one side, she went to retrieve the flower and return it to his chest. The flower was between the chest of the deceased and the far wall of the casket, and the doctor feels that his ribs have been broken. She immediately determines he was murdered, based solely on the feel of his ribs. So while all the visitors are in the other room eulegizing the dead man, the doctor and her FBI buddy steal the corpse and take it back to their lab. It was determined that the man had been poisoned, as well as stabbed numerous times with a trocar, which is a hollow tube used for suctioning fluids. It turns out the poison did not immediately kill the man, but rather sent him into a coma. The poison in question is called tetrodotoxin, which is used in voodoo rituals for simulating death in a person. It lowers metabolic activity; heartbeat, respiration, etc. The paramedics and medical examiner both thought the man dead. While embalming, the funeral director supposedly hit a nerve, causing the body to sit up on the table. In a panic, the funeral director grabs his trocar and repeatedly stabs the man. His defense? "When you watch a lot of zombie movies...it was late, I was alone...I got scared."

Anyway, the doctor and her buddies steal the body, take it back to their lab, perform an autopsy (the previous medical examiner had only performed a visual examination, not a post-mortem), get the labwork on the blood, suture the body back up, redress it, take it back to the home, sneak it back into the casket, all in a just a couple of hours. When the dead man had his heart attack or whatever, he fell to the ground, which resulted in the broken ribs. The poison did eventually kill him, somewhere between the coroner's and the funeral home.

There are so many things wrong with this scenario. Number one, you can pluck all the nerves in a dead body that you want to, and none of them will result in the body sitting up from a supine position. Number two, I'm pretty sure the autopsy they performed was illegal, as they were not medical examiners, and they did not have permission from the widow. Number three, you cannot perform an autopsy, get all of your lab results back, sew up the body, redress it, drive it back to the house, and recasket it all in just a couple of hours.

Slow

2009-08-28T16:41:00.002-05:00

Work has been almost as slow as my posting, which explains the large gap between this post and my last. Honestly, there has been not much of anything happening at work. In fact, this has been a very slow year. Our call volume is off by about 40 calls or so. What that means is that last year at this time we had 40 more calls than we have at this time this year. If things don't pick up this last quarter, I'm dreading the end of the year chewing out we might receive for such a slow year.

Once again I've been toying with the idea of closing down this blog. I started it to chronicle my transition from retail to funeral directing, as a record to see my progress from neophyte graduate to full blown funeral director. I'm not saying this blog has run its course, but there certainly are times when I struggle for material to write about. If I do stop the blog, I will keep it up for people to discover. Besides, I'm not sure if there's anyway to save it other than to keep it up and open. I'll let you know.

Back On My Soapbox

2009-08-11T19:59:00.002-05:00

This is not a political blog, and I rarely comment on political issues, but I just wanted to say one thing. Today, I took my wife to see "Julie & Julia." It was a very enjoyable film, but one scene really struck me the wrong way. Julie, the blogger, gets in trouble with her boss over something she did. I won't say what in case you haven't seen the movie, but he tells her, "A Republican would fire you for this." What the hell? Buttholes come in all stripes; liberal, conservative, Democrat, and Republican.

To all you Democrats out there, here's a bit of news for you. YOU WON! You've got the White House, you've got the Senate, you've got the House. Quit being sore winners.

Two Sets Of Rules

2009-08-07T19:18:00.005-05:00

Today was another boss day. I swear, I did not start this blog to chronicle the clashes between me and my boss, but that's how things have been turning out lately. I got up at 5:30am to drive the owner and his wife to the airport for their long weekend getaway. In the meantime, we (the funeral home) have a cot view scheduled for late afternoon. I return from the airport, handle a few errands, and am making lunch plans. My boss informs me that I am to prepare the body for the cot view. I have no problem with that; I've done it several times before. So I take care of it and the family was very pleased with the appearance and complimented us on how well we did. At 4:30, with absolutely nothing going on what so ever, I ask my boss if I can leave early since I had such an early start to my day. He looks at me and says, "what time do we work 'til around here?" I said, "5 o'clock." He says, "ok, then...Nobody else leaves at 4:30, do they?" I answered him that, yes, some people do leave early sometimes. So, once again, he gives me the "whatever" attitude and tells me to do what I want. Very calmly, keeping my smart mouth shut, I tell him that I will stay until 5. In the meantime, my blood is boiling because Takes A Day Off and Returning Employee have, on numerous occasions, taken off half an hour to an hour early when there is nothing going on. In fact, Takes A Day Off earned his nickname on this blog by taking off so many days and half-days last summer that I lost count. He even missed an entire month of work at one point! It seems clear to me now, (as if I had any doubts before) that there are two sets of rules. One for me, and one for everybody else. The joke's on them, though, because I just got a raise and some extra vacation time that no one else knows about or got themselves.

It Was Nice While It Lasted

2009-08-06T16:53:00.006-05:00

Well, my boss is back from vacation. While I am very grateful to not have to cover the phones after hours, it was very nice not having him around for a couple of weeks. Today was his second day back at work, and he was able to rub me the wrong way a couple of times. The first incident was a plant left over from a funeral on Wednesday. The family didn't want it, but asked that we donate it to their church. The owner tells me to take it up there today. I tell my boss I'm going to take care of this, and his attitude was, "what's the church going to do with this little dish garden?" I told him that it was a nice little plant and they would probably enjoy it in the church office. He gives me the "whatever" attitude, but the owner wants it done, so there's not much my boss can say about it. So I'm in the van heading to church with the plant, and I notice the gas is down to about 1/3 of a tank. The owner has made it known that when the gas gauge dips below half a tank, fill it back up! So I plan to do that when I get back, but my cell phone rings. My boss is calling, he wants me to come back and pick him up. We have a car in the shop, and it's ready. I turn around and pick him up, and when he gets in I ask if he has a company credit card. He wants to know why and I tell him about the gas being low. He looks at the gauge and says, "you've got plenty of gas to get to church and back." I remind him that I was told to fill up in situations like this, and he says, "yeah, in a perfect world." So I just dropped him off at the garage, ran my errand, came back and waited for the day to end. This was the second time he had comments about gassing up the cars. The first time was our errand car; it was down to a quarter-tank, and I put a note on the board that said, "Hyundai needs gas." My boss asked me how much was in the tank, and I told him. He tells me, "You can go to {closest big city} and back on that!" Someone else can deal with the refueling from now on; I'm tired of getting attitude for simply trying to follow company policy.

And, yes, the church was very appreciative and happy to take the plant to liven up the office.

Telephone Duty

2009-08-02T22:09:00.003-05:00

My boss has been on vacation for over a week. He'll be back at work on Tuesday. Whenever he's away, I have the glorious privilige (can you detect the sarcasm?) of covering the telephones after hours and on weekends. This past weekend was my weekend off, but with all the phone calls, 2 death calls on Sunday morning, follow up calls, etc., I haven't been able to relax very much. Between 6:30 am and 6:30 pm today I fielded 14 incoming phone calls. That's only the incoming; I had to place about 8 outgoing phone calls in order to handle everything that came up today. I'll be glad when my boss gets back; as much as I like it when he's gone, I hate these blasted phones.

How Is That Not A Mistake?

2009-07-22T21:56:00.001-05:00

I'm back at work after vacation, and my boss just left for his. One of the calls he handled while I was away is a ship out up north. Today I got a call from the receiving funeral home; the date of death is in question. Our paperwork said one thing, the family said they were notified a day earlier. So I pull the file, and see that, yes, the family seems to be correct, yet our face sheet shows the later date. So I call my boss, and he says the face sheet is correct. Then he hesitates, and says, "well, I got the call the day before yesterday. When would that be?" I told him that would be the date the family is indicating. He then tells me the stupidest thing I think I have ever heard in my entire life, and I can't wait until he rags on me for something dumb I did so I can throw it back in his face; "Well, I didn't make a mistake, I just wrote it down wrong."

Easy Come, Easy Go

2009-07-15T15:06:00.002-05:00

I'm on vacation this week. I've got the in-laws from out of state visiting. Monday we went to the casino. My wife and her sister and mother played the slots, I headed straight for blackjack. $5 minimum, so I started out with $20 in chips. Within just a few hands, I had doubled my money. I then got up and went to the slots, where I piddled around for a little while. I kept coming back to blackjack, playing a couple of hands, moving up and down, leaving when I lost too many hands in a row. I hit a decent payout on a slot machine, and I was having a good time. At some point I went back to blackjack, and got on a losing streak. Eventually I was down to nothing. I had run out of slot money, as well. I took a couple of tokens from my wife, parlayed those into enough for another blackjack hand, and won! I was excited. I put $5 down, drew a 20 with the dealer showing 3. Naturally, I stood. She turns over an 8, for a total of 11. You can imagine what happened next. She draws a 10 for 21. I was so flabbergasted, I actually blurted out, "you've got to be kidding me!" I played my last $5 and lost. I went to the casino with $50, had probably doubled my money at one point, and came home empty handed (and headed). I should have quit while I was ahead.

Thank Him For What?

2009-07-10T16:52:00.005-05:00

Last week my boss, at the request of one of the hospital chaplains in our town, went about 35 miles south to meet with the chaplain's brother-in-law, who was terminal. So he goes down there, makes the prearrangements, and comes back and files away the paperwork. A few days later (Tuesday, the 7th), we get the call, and I'm on duty. So I get out of bed at 6am, get ready and go down and make the removal. I then take the body to the crematory, come back to the funeral home, contact the doctor, then enter the file, generate the death certificate and permits, then run the certificate down to the doctor, who is also in the same town 35 miles south of us. Once the cremation is accomplished, I print up the prayer cards for the graveside service, which the family set up all on their own, just down the road from their house, by the way, pick up the ashes and urn, take the contract and other assorted paperwork needing signatures, down to the graveside service, where I assist, including leading a procession of people from the chapel over to the niche, where the priest blesses the space, then I place the urn inside. After the service, I proceed to the doctor's office, pick up the death certificate, take it to the health department, file it, wait for it, then take the certified copies back to the family's home, have the family sign the contract and other paperwork, answer all their questions, then prepare to head back north. After all of this, which started on Tuesday and ended this afternoon about 12:30pm, the family tells me, "be sure to thank {my boss} for us."

Honestly, I've got to tell you, I feel kind of slighted. I know that they don't know what went on behind the scenes, but they haven't seen my boss since he made the initial consultation. All he's done is talk to them on the phone a few times. I know I shouldn't feel envious or jealous, that the important thing is the family was very pleased with how everything was handled, but still...

Why My Boss Frustrates Me, Sometimes (Part 3)

2009-06-30T17:29:00.010-05:00

I had yesterday off, so I had no idea what I was walking into when I got to work this morning. I see we had a couple of calls since Sunday, so I go up front to see what has and hasn't been done as far as generating death certificates, dropping them off, picking them up, etc. In the meantime, Takes A Day Off was on his way to the Medical Examiner's office to pick up a body. My boss comes in and starts looking through the errand book and sees that Takes A Day Off forgot to take the death certificates to drop off on his way to the ME's office. (These certificates are for the county immediately south of us). So he says we'll have to mail them, be sure and get an envelope typed up and get everything ready for the mail. He also tells me we need to pick up this one particular death certificate, which is just a couple of blocks away. So I get in the car and go after it, plus make a deposit at the bank. When I return, the death certificate and application are right where I left them, on top of the typewriter, waiting for someone to type up the envelope for mailing. It would have taken my boss all of 5 minutes to sit down and type this up, but did he? No, he didn't.

Returning Employee told me that yesterday he embalmed a body, then went on a service. All that needed to be done was to suture the incisions, then bathe. Did my boss do any of those while Returning Employee was out on his service? No, he left it for someone else to do, which is pretty much how he operates. I guess his personal motto is, "Why do yourself what you can get someone to do for you?"

Parts 1 & 2

Monday Morning Adventures

2009-06-22T21:39:00.004-05:00

I was off call this weekend, so I had no idea what may or may not have happened Saturday and Sunday. Turns out, it was a lot! I walked into work this morning to find four embalmed bodies in the prep room, which was four more than when I left work Friday. One of them was viewing with services at 11am. Of course, everything needed to be done: bathing, suturing the incisions, dressing, casketing, cosmetizing, hair, etc. About 8:30am the secretary sticks her head in and announces the family wants to come in at 9 for a sneak preview. We did our best to get everything ready, but we did not make the 9am deadline. I think it was closer to 9:30 before the owner moved the casket into the chapel.
I spend the rest of the morning helping to suture and bathe all the other bodies. Here is the strangest part about all those calls; every last one of them gets sent out of state. I was give the responsibility of arranging air transportation for one of them. I took care of it quite easily, but the airfare was more expensive than I thought it would be. Usually it runs about $400 to send a body out of state, but this particular shipment was about $565. I don't know if it's because of the destination, or just that the carrier is overpriced.
About 10pm this evening, I got a call from the guy I share on-call duties with. He's on his way to another city about 2 to 3 hours away for a call, which means anything that comes in for the rest of the night is for me to deal with.

When Scammers Call

2009-06-08T21:55:00.002-05:00

Today, just before closing, we had someone trying to scam us. I'm not sure how these things work, but recently funeral homes have become a popular target. The intended victim will get an email, or a phone call, or, as in my case, a relay call. A relay call is when someone who is hearing impaired calls a relay center, who in turn calls the place of business, then relays messages from you to the other person, who is communicating via a TTY device.

Anyway, the person called and the story went something like this: He lives in our town, and is on a trip to Canada. He gets word while he's away that his wife has died in Nigeria. Can we have her shipped over and do we take credit cards? He then offers to give us the name and number of the mortuary in Nigeria, and will pay via credit card. As best I can tell from searching the internet, the funeral home pays out the money to the "mortuary" which is usually a dummy corporation or a confederate posing as a funeral director. When the credit card is billed, it's either stolen or invalid, or at some point the person will change their mind and ask for a refund via wire transfer or some such.

I put the operator on hold, called the owner and explained the situation. He told me it was a scam and to get rid of the caller. At one point, the relay operator's supervisor broke in and explained that they had noticed an increase of inappropriate usage of the relay service. In other words, the scammers were using the relay service to excess. So I instructed the relay operator to tell the caller we could not help. Not two minutes later we get the exact same call from the exact same person. I told them we just had the exact same call, and to terminate the conversation.